Monday, February 22, 2010

NF and What Ifs

In the life of NF there are a lot of What Ifs. I imagine when dealing with any disorder you would have a lot of what ifs certainly more than you normally would if these challenges didn't exist in your life. But these challenges do exist. They are a very real part of our day. They are very real for any parent dealing with NF.

The last few weeks have been increasingly hard, for me anyway. Normally I try not to think or dwell on the what ifs. But here is a brutally honest post about how I am feeling and the what ifs I deal with daily. They might not always be on the uppermost part of my mind but they are always there lurking ready to jump forth.

So here are some of my what ifs (In no particular order).......

1) What if the tumor starts to grow again
2) What if we end up back in chemo
3) What if it moves to the left eye
4) What if kids are mean in school
5) What if he develops learning disability
6) What if more tumors grow
7) What if he cant do what he wants when he gets older because of his disability
8) What if he doesn't like himself
9) What if no one wants to marry him
10)What if he or his wife don't have kids because of NF
11)What if his dad and I aren't strong enough
12)What if I fail him
13)What if I cant be strong enough for more chemo
14)What if we lose him
15)What if the tumors turn malignant

I know there are positive antidotes to every what if on my list and many more that I have had or will have. My rational mind is well aware that you cant live in what ifs and that everything will work out. But my heart and my mommy mind sometimes needs to cry out. I have my faith and I know God wont give us more than we can handle. I know we are truly never alone that our loving Saviour is there every step of the way. But again I am human and sometimes the pain and what ifs seem to much to bare.

I started this post several weeks ago. I am doing better now and am feeling much stronger. I started to not post this but I needed to let go of my what ifs for now and send it out there. I think in part to help me but also because I started this blog to help raise awareness and to help others through their challenges. Sometimes I get down reading various blogs where everything is picture perfect. It is very hard for me to let go, bare my soul and let anyone see the real me, even those who are close to me. But when I think of how my trials might help another parent I cant be selfish and hold on to my feelings. Plus I think by writing down my true feelings it will help me learn and grow. It will help me make sense of a disorder that makes no sense.

No comments:

Post a Comment